Goodbye Is The Hardest Word To Say
by Umbrella-ella
Summary: An alternate look at what might have happened in 4X05. Contains spoilers for series four. Subject to rating change.
1. Prologue

_A/N: This is an idea that's been plaguing me since the fifth episode aired. What if things had gone differently? What if Mrs. Hughes hadn't told John what she knew?Originally the prologue was supposed to be a bit longer, but the ending fit just fine where it was. This is going to a multi-chapter story and I hope you'll enjoy it. Thanks to the GB girls for helping me out. _

_Disclaimer: I own nothing, only my laptop, and my adorable cat._

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"_The sun will stop shining soon_

_And you'll be gone from my life_

_Yeah, you'll be gone," –_**Love Like This by Kodaline**

"My wife no longer loves me. The sight of me is torture for her, which is torture for me. If you will not let me hear the truth, I will hand in my resignation now and be gone before she gets back," His own voice shocked him.

It sounded hollow, foreign, and his heart fell, the cavity in his chest aching even as the words fell from his lips, settling heavily in the room, and he paused one last time, waiting for Mrs. Hughes to speak.

Mrs. Hughes remained silent, her lips pressed into a firm line. John found himself reaching for the doorknob, and he wished she would say something, anything to stop him. But instead, the Scottish woman perched in her small chair, unmoving as he stepped forward.

"So be it."

Stepping out into the hall, John was assailed by the din of the bustling kitchen maids, all commanded by Mrs. Patmore's shrill voice, the banging of pots and pans filling the downstairs atmosphere with chaos. As the everyday bustle of Downton surrounded him, he couldn't help but feel like his world was slipping between his fingers. One moment his life was rosy and beautiful and he'd had everything he'd ever wanted, and yet in the next it'd been snatched away by another cruel twist of fate.

Anna was detached, distant, and for the life of him, he couldn't determine what he'd done wrong, the ache of her silence killing him every day. Even now, as he moved down the impossibly long hallway his feet grew heavy as his heart sunk with the weight of his decision.

Mrs. Hughes' pleading voice was lost on him as he strode down the hall, as if he were off to town on some errand. But he wouldn't be back, not this time. He couldn't look at the place the same, not while he tormented himself with the possibilities of what he might have done to hurt the one good thing in his life. The thin hall was suddenly too much, it was all too much. John felt as though he couldn't breathe, the grief pressing in on him, the air around him buzzing. Even the_ idea_ of leaving, the very idea of abandoning everything he had worked so hard for, made his stomach turn.

Feeling his heart contract as he thought about how the rest of the house would take his departure, John pressed on, shaking his head free of the shame. His Lordship would be sorely disappointed, but he couldn't stay. Not now, not when he knew Anna didn't want him.

Anna. The thought of her alone was nearly enough to make him pause. He loved her, God, how he loved her, but maybe he hadn't been enough for her in the end. With that thought, he donned his coat and turned to leave.

His hand on the doorknob, John felt Mrs. Hughes' hand clutch at his coat as she stood next to him on the step, her eyes filling with tears as she spoke.

"Mr. Bates, this is not very like you! You cannot leave! Anna would… I can't say what she would do! Just… stay." Dropping her hand from his arm, Mrs. Hughes swiped at a tear as she watched him, finally whispering, "_Anna loves you." _John rarely saw Mrs. Hughes this frantic; it killed him to think of what she and Anna were hiding, but he could no longer keep his frustrations at bay.

"I have no choice, Mrs. Hughes!" he hissed, careful to keep his voice low, "You say she loves me— if that is so, why must I go home to an empty house and an empty bed? You know something, what I have done, but you will not say what it is."

John swallowed the grief and felt his heart plummet as Mrs. Hughes stared at him wordlessly.

"If you will not tell me, I cannot stay."

Turning to the door, he opened it, stepping out into the chilly afternoon air and walked through the courtyard, his heart ripping in two every step of the way. Here, Anna and he had shared so much, so many lovely memories, their first kiss, his less than traditional proposal, yet among the happy memories, there were the sad ones. Suddenly, as if she were there in front of him, as if it were yesterday, he could see Anna standing there, reaching out to him, stopping him, her face pale and her tears glittering in the moonlight.

"_If she's threatening to ruin me, then let her! It's nothing to me! The only ruin that I recognize is to be without you!" _

The echo of her sobs still tainted the March air as John swept across the courtyard, his eyes stinging as he wished away all of the memories.

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_A/N: I hope that this will be an enjoyable journey for you all, and I do hope you'll stick with me. All will not run smoothly for our lovely Mr. and Mrs. Bates, but of course, I hope you'll enjoy it!_


	2. Chapter 1

_A/N: I will admit that this was one of the most difficult pieces I've ever written simply because of how intense Anna's reaction had to be. I had to really think about how she might feel knowing John had left, and I had to put myself in her shoes, and I have to say that I'm so glad this did not happen on the show. Keep in mind that this will have a happy ending, but for now, let the angst ship sail on._

_Disclaimer: I have a vintage Philadelphia Eagles sweater, a cat, and a laptop. Yes, you can be jealous. No, you can't have any of them._

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Anna's pace quickened as she neared the courtyard door, the chill of the grey late afternoon seeping through her coat as she shivered slightly against the unwelcome remainder of a late winter. Opening the door quietly, she relished the feel of the warmth rushing through her as she hung her coat and unpinned her hat. Ordinarily, John might have helped her as she came back to the Abbey, but he had stopped trying to help her as the month wore on.

Slipping down the thin hallway to see Mrs. Hughes, Anna entered the housekeeper's sitting room, where a somber Mrs. Hughes sat, her face drawn and pale. Taking no notice, Anna sat opposite the woman she had come to see as a second mother, her voice firm as she spoke, anxious to reveal her decision to the woman who had kept her secret long enough.

"I must tell him, Mrs. Hughes. I cannot pretend any longer. Then, if he wishes to, he can leave me— it's not fair to Mr. Bates to keep this secret from him…" Anna smiled grimly and wondered why Mrs. Hughes did not smile back.

"Not when there's a chance for him to make some new memories in his life…" The silence stretched out, and Anna suddenly became very interested in the carefully patterned thread that swirled in the black fabric of her skirt, feeling that perhaps Mrs. Hughes would find her decision reckless after all, even if it had been she who pressed her to tell John in the first place. Her eyes remained still, not daring to wander, lest she was struck with memories of fumbling, crawling, and feeling her way through the dark as she clutched the tatters of her uniform around her torso, the skin of her arms reddening sickeningly as the singing echoed on and applause erupted intermittently. Feeling her stomach lurch, as though she were about to be sick, Anna squeezed her eyes shut, twisting the thin fabric of the skirt in her hands as she banished the memories, forcing herself to think of happier moments, safer moments— the comfort of her husband's embrace as he held her while he read, or the feel of hot tea on her lips as she laughed at some joke in their little kitchen while he cursed at the too hot kettle.

_Memories. That's all. Just memories. _

_John. John is here._

"Anna," the older woman sighed after too long a silence, her voice slow, "Mr. Bates…"

Anna lifted her head, regarding the narrow line of her employer's lips and sighed before speaking. "I know, you think I'm foolish to have kept it from him, but at the very least, he deserves to know why I can't stand to be near him… Why I'm not worth his trouble."

"Anna!" Mrs. Hughes interrupted, and suddenly, Anna was back in the servant's hall, laughing with Mr. Green and her head was pounding and the ache was like a drumbeat in her head, never ceasing. Anna stopped short as her eyes flickered to meet Mrs. Hughes forlorn gaze.

"It's too late," Mrs. Hughes knelt down in front of her favorite charge, wincing with the effort. "Mr. Bates, he left."

Anna remained quiet for a moment, her eyes meeting the ground, and for a few seconds, Mrs. Hughes wasn't sure Anna had heard her.

"What do you mean? Left? I don't understand." Anna questioned and Mrs. Hughes drew in a sharp breath.

"He asked me to tell him what I knew; when I refused, he left…"

"I'm sure he'll be back, he always is. Sometimes he gets worked up, goes for a walk, but he'll be back."

Anna grew frantic, launching out of the chair, staring hard at Mrs. Hughes, her eyes searching for some sign that she was mistaken, that he hadn't left. Anna watched, dread settling in the pit of her stomach. Her legs shook beneath her, and she felt faint.

"No, Anna, I'm certain he won't."

Anna's stomach somersaulted and for a moment, she couldn't move. It was as if she were caught in a trap, her hands bound to her side and her body suspended as she broke inside. Fear jolted inside her and bubbled up into her chest, and suddenly, the air was too thick and she couldn't quite draw a breath and she felt the world around her tumble to pieces as the reality of Mrs. Hughes' statement settle heavily in her mind, weighing her down, pressing her to the ground, and it was like her body was made of lead.

With a sudden, shuddering gasp, Anna departed the room, moving faster than she herself thought she could. Ignoring the startled cry of a hall boy as she sent him careening into the wall, Anna pressed down the hallway, wrenching the back door open.

Goosebumps erupted on her skin as she sprinted across the courtyard and made her way onto the path to the cottage, the mud spattering her shoes and the bottom of her skirt, her hair loosening from its pins. Her lungs burned, pleading for air and her corset was too tight and her skirt flapped maddeningly about her ankles, but Anna didn't care.

It seemed to take an eternity to reach the front door, and even more to scramble for the spare key kept beneath the lavender plant on the step. With a crash, the plant and its pot tumbled from its place, and Anna's hand shook as she opened the door. Her breath hitched and she called out, her voice breathless.

"John!" No answer.

Anna stormed up the stairs, her legs aching and her heart pounding, marking her ribcage permanently as drew in a breath, her voice weak as she tried once more.

"John! John…" Still no answer.

Stumbling towards the bedroom they had once shared, Anna let out a wail of despair as she sank to her knees. Drawers had been pulled out, emptied, and the closet door was open, the suitcase John used for travelling gone.

Anna felt as though she'd been sobbing for days and she clenched her fists hard, feeling her nails bite into her palms, and then she was beating at the floor, pounding and pounding until she felt her fists go numb, and her desperate cries turned to a silent shaking and shuddering, the kind that made pinwheels erupt behind her eyelids and her head feel as though it would burst. She barely felt the hands that gathered her into a soothing embrace. Vaguely, she could smell the rose soap that Mrs. Hughes often used and she sank into the comfort offered, wishing she could drift away.

She was here, on the floor of their home, surrounded by her broken dreams, and it was all she could do to cling to Mrs. Hughes as she shook, her sobs extinguishing any hope she once had of making things right.

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_A/N: I hope I got this right. Anyways, reviews are appreciated and rewarded with flowers. _


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